I’ve heard it’s good to do things that scare you. In which case, this blog is amazing.
Here is my ‘working on the crop top thing’ outfit:
Obviously not office-appropriate so I changed into it straight after work and headed to salsa, with my long coat on over the top. Because I didn’t want anyone to see me.
This plan would have worked, had Glasgow not decided that day would be the one day of actual summer it gives us each year. I managed to keep the coat on for about 10 minutes, then went for not-heat-stroke and took it off.
I thought walking up the stairs in Boteco was scary, but that was nothing compared to walking down a busy Glasgow street. By the time I reached the traffic lights across the road from salsa, I was physically shaking.
We have created such an iron rule about fat girls not showing their stomach. I had to constantly, consciously focus on keeping my arms down at my sides to stop them pulling the top down and skirt up to cover the gap. When I crossed the road (which obviously took up my attention) I got to the other side and realised I had adjusted them without even noticing. Covering my stomach was an automatic action I did without thinking – that’s how ingrained it is.
I was still trembling when I went in to salsa but at least I went in. It took a lot to overpower the voice in my head screaming at me to run away and hide my massive body under a duvet forever. Gotta love that voice.
Anyway. It was exactly the same process as last time I tried a cropped(ish) top: even though I started off hideously uncomfortable, by the end of class it just felt normal to have my midriff on display. And what with it being a warm day, I was rather glad of the extra ventilation.
I knew I had reached a milestone when a friend joined us and said she liked my dress, at which point I lifted my arms up to show a bit more skin and said “it’s a crop top!”.
Boteco was fantastic. I never realised before how much I usually try to hide my body, and suck in any parts I can in an attempt to look smaller. There’s really no way to hide when it’s all on display like that. But instead of crippling me with shame like I expected it to, the exposure actually made me feel much more free.
I wonder what other things would be more fun if I stopped obssessing over my body and just enjoyed them…